i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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