checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
