We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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