I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
