I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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