i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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