I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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