Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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