Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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