That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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