I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
