Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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