I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
