Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
