I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
