Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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