so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize