do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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