A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
