if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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