How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
