It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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