Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
