This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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