he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
