It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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