When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
