saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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