make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
