Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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