I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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