Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
