i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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