I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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