I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
