no you cant smoke seaweed
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
