You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize