Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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