I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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