MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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