I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
