We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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