You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize