i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
