There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
