Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He better not be in your backpack
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
