I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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