She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
