My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
