You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
