Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
