checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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