so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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