How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize