worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
