Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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